i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
