my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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