when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
