speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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