apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
