You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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