Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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