Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
