im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think I am morally bankrupt
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
