I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
