Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
