dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize