Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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