I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
