Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
