i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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