I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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