I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
