totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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