im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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