and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
