her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
