are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
