my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
