nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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