I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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