Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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