I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
