peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
