I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You may now shotgun with the bride
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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