Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
