I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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