the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
