pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
