you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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