i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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