Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
