i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
