Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
