You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
