Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
