I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
