I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
