He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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