As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
