The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
