I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
