i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
