He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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