I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
