I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
