The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
