i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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