Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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